Posting this feels like blushing in real time

I’m lying in a hammock to write this on one of the first warm spring days of the year and my chin is tense. My chin? That’s weird. Then I realize, of course, my jaw is tense as my molars grind together.  My brain is scanning for mistakes before I even finish a sentence. 

I don’t want to hustle. Today, I’m tired. 

For over 2 years, I’ve been working with the most wonderful human and my favorite artist, Anna Vos, owner of Anna Parade. Through  Anna Parade, I’ve been diving into ‘brand work’ and it has completely changed how I see the words shouting at me through the screen.

There is so much garbage online that is purely there to SELL you something. The internet right now feels like a thousand people shouting the same thing in slightly different fonts. Like, you have to churn out as much bullshit as you can, in a thousand different ways, to game the algorithm. But most of it is noise.

As of last year, over 74% of new websites contain AI content. 51% of all traffic online is just AI bots. 

AI is built into everything now. It promises to smooth the edges of those hard ideas, make your ideas more digestible, in a way everyone can understand. It can even sound more authoritative. Which makes sense, right? It’s “smarter” than us. 

And we don’t want to look stupid. 

“AI is the future, and everyone is using it! Don’t get left behind! Post more! Faster! If you don’t make a lot of content, no one will see it!!”

  Don’t get left behind!

It’s not even information anymore, it’s just pressure. 

The idea that we could be left “behind” was the bane of my existence since the book series came out in 1993.

Have an impure thought? Better ask for forgiveness immediately because Jesus is coming back any day now, and you will be left in torment on earth while demons literally roam and eat your flesh. 

Can you tell I grew up with a steady diet of fear?  If you don’t act fast enough, believe hard enough, do it RIGHT (and yes, even your thoughts are sins, so good luck with that neurospicy brain of yours, hellion), then you’ll be left behind.

I’m bringing it up bc it evokes the same panicked feeling in me. 

Maybe I’m lucky that years of fear-based propaganda, through a strict religious upbringing, make me immediately stubborn.

Isn’t fear something to be faced and not something to outrun?

I don’t want to spew out content for an algorithm.

It's the writer behind the words I’m most interested in. If I wanted to hear ChatGPT's perspective on AuDhd and its effect on perimenopausal women in a patriarchal society, I could ask it myself.

But it doesn’t ‘see’ me in the way that I crave.   

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I totally jumped on the AI bandwagon initially. 

It was so fun in the early days (you know, before they gave 20 mil to Trump, when we didn’t know they used it to aid ICE or spy on citizens, or crowdsource our  data, or force feed us giant data centers that are a blight to the communities around them…) I explored the prompts and played around with writing. 

Then I noticed that the more  I used it, the less confident I felt in my own talents. I noticed I was having to rewrite so much and double-check so many things. I wasn’t developing my writing; I was outsourcing my skill to a machine that wasn’t even doing it well. While atrophying my own critical thinking skills. Apparently, humans account for less than 50 percent of the internet now.

Did you know that users who rely on AI report feeling lonelier? And more bored with their work?   

I’m not saying ‘never use AI’. 

But I could feel it pulling me away from my own intuition and knowledge. And that’s not a trade I’m willing to make. Not to mention the whole surveillance state it’s propping up. Did you know that data centers need potable drinking water? In Chile and Uruguay, protests have erupted as large corporations barge in and try to tap into the already stressed water supply. 

So, for now, I’m focusing on one imperfect post a week. Here. I’m working out my perfectionistic tendencies at the same time. I’m so excited to focus on this skill and get better. 

Let’s check in on my body, shall we? Ohhh, the tension in my jaw is back and accompanied by a tinge of what feels like wiggly bits of anxiety running down my throat to my stomach. 

I’m still doing it.

Because I know from experience that this physical discomfort will subside as I allow myself permission to feel my fucking feelings. (I mean, “Thanks, body, for trying to keep me from embarrassing myself like that time I unknowingly tucked my skirt into my tights and walked breezily down the hallway at church.”)

Why are you doing this to yourself, Sarah? You’re so embarrassing! (Which is absolutely a comment that I’ve gotten from a ‘friend’). 

Look, neurodivergence is messy. If you don’t embrace the messy parts, you’ll never see the beauty that’s actually there. Never forget: the only time a neurodivergent doesn’t look messy is when they’re wrapped in privilege (but that’s a conversation for another day).  

So, I’ll be sharing how I’ve learned to work with my own brain in these moments. How to navigate through these things in real time. This is literally what I help people do. And apparently, I need to “Sarah” myself more. 

I am my biggest and most difficult client. The diva client who demands that she write this from the hammock. The one who can spend hours chained to a desk in hyperfocus for client projects but neglects her own website at the end of the day. 

Thankfully, I’ve learned that it’s not really diva behavior, it’s just accommodating myself. 

I’m not lost in this. I just don’t pretend it’s effortless. 

I’ll probably overshare. You might hate my grammar. 

But you’ll know it’s me.